Hurricane Thought

 I don't want to be this way

The Start

I think this was that tiny little powerful whirlwind that refused to subside  in the ocean of my mind that floated with so many thoughts, patterns, phrases, observations etc.

I want to be someone else. It always backed up with the different people I wanted to be who were or were not there in my life.

Maybe they were influential,  maybe they were reliable, maybe they were hard-working and sincere, maybe they had good communication skills, maybe they could manage things well, maybe they were brilliant and looked upon. 

"I want to be her right now, so badly."

"I can't deal with myself, damn, if only I was a less of a screw up like her..."

It all boiled down to one sentence really

I want to change some parts of myself to become what I want.

 

   (Assholes suffer from superiority complex. Do you know why? Check the mirror.)

Deep down, I felt like I was resigned to accept myself the way I am.This harbored feelings of resentment, self-hatred and hopelessness inside me. I feel they are still there ready to erupt any moment.

  • If I hurt one more person.
  • If I expect too much.
  • If I commit a action I judge myself harshly for.
  • If I say something then beat myself up for saying it.
  • If I am disappointed in myself.

Turns out, you can't be a better person by harsh talk. Self-help says you gotta be your best friend. 

So, I am going to do that.                    

The Middle

(I am telling it to you, lonely sucker, do yourself a goddamn favor.)

1) Reflect (What exactly happened?)

2) Analyze (Why did it happen?)

3) Own it up (You did something wrong.)

4) Forgive (It's okay you make mistakes sometimes.)


The 5th step is change and action but I don't see that in myself yet. 

I might write  "The end" part someday for that, who knows?

After all everyone says the journey is important than the destination, right?

Wish me luck till then.



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